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PCB to introduce a betting test for cricketers

Anti-doping tests for cricketers are passe. The Pakistan Cricket Board is now planning to introduce a new test in their domestic tournaments that will help analyze a player’s ability to ‘spot the fixing’ and ‘fixing the spots’.

Informed sources in the PCB informed this writer in an informal dream that the new test will be initiated immediately to save the cricket board and its players from future embarrassments involving asylum seeking wicket keepers and their wild ways.

The sources further revealed that they received information about the PCB’s mandatory tests from betting syndicates across the world. These important stakeholders in Pak cricket have been unhappy with the Pakistani selection panel for ignoring crucial aspects of a player’s game like his “fixability quotient”. “We cannot have random selection policies for the national team,” they said.

“We’re dead serious about conducting these tests on all budding cricketers in our country as we cannot go on investing in talent only to be told later about their inability to fix the spots in crucial games and during critical moments,” says the informed source . He stoutly denied media reports that only Almighty can truly claim to be an “informed source” for Pakistan Cricket.

The source revealed that the tests will be conducted by Pakistan’s Inter Services Intelligence (ISI) using urine and bowel samples of the players, though the officials were more than cagey about sharing information on how they plan to decipher a player’s betting ability from his excrement.

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In this regard, our source revealed that the PCB had funded research at Pakistan’s Atomic Energy Commission some years ago to create a “Stinkometer” that could find use in the latest betting tests. Players who don’t raise a stink will be considered as having passed the test. It was also revealed that Pakistan’s incumbent President Asif Zardari was among the first on whom the tests were conducted.

That he managed to evade all legal wrangles related to the deal fixing allegations during his wife Benazir Bhutto’s regime and got to become the President of Pakistan proved beyond doubt that the Stinkometer works well, the sources said.

The sources revealed that testing parameters were currently being worked out but said urine samples collected before a player rises and after he goes to sleep will determine the results. The tests would analyze the presence of “Malafiduric Acid” in the samples that will provide a clear indication of a player’s fixing abilities.

Additionally, the team will also monitor the player’s “shame factor” and “bluster quotient” to assess his ability to withstand pressure of any form. The latter will also help the PCB understand a player’s ability to bulldoze his way through if caught on the spot.

“We are still working on a series of tests that might eventually include “butter content” in the body, “malleability of the spinal cord” and several others features that are considered critical for being successful at the international level of fixing,” says the official who requested anonymity but revealed confidentially that he was codenamed as “Buresh Salmadi”. He warned us of drawing any conclusions over his code-name, which he claimed was given to him three decades ago.

The PCB officials also confirmed that high ranking officials in sport governing bodies across India had evinced interest in customized versions of the “Stinkometer” that can work well in television studios and other public places.

(This article is a figment of my imagination unless the PCB proves otherwise)

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  • kbalakumar

    Stinkometer 🙂 Hilarious writing, mate.

    BTW, who’s this Buresh Salmadi, couldn’t crack his identity? 🙂

    • Raj

      Didn’t want to Kalmadize the article… hence the poor pun on the Hindi word “Bura” that means Bad!